The Last Word?

The Last Word?

Well, the last blog post really triggered a firestorm of comments. I love it, even if the emotions were raw and on the surface and caused great pain to others and me. I have a few responses to the many interesting comments now that the pace has slowed. Rather than hide them in a 12th comment I decided to make it a new blog entry which I would call the last word. This of course is an attempt at humor because I hope that it will trigger further comments and discussions. And, it will mean that to really understand this blog entry you will need to delve into the comments to the last one. Also, be reassured that I'm not ending the blog and will blog on.

First, Charlotte, it has been too long, but it’s great to have you back. Your defense of the American system of government is flawless... except for the final clause of your comment.... the need for civility. One of the aspects of our government that has undermined my confidence in it is the death of civility in public life. A sense of whimsy entered my mind as I thought about the comments made responding to my despair about the US Government and way of life. It was that the strong voices supporting the American governing model and way of life came from Canadians, not those who reside in the States. How odd and interesting that there is a need for perspective to gauge the significance of the activities in the US from across the border. In many ways this is true in general that we need to achieve a separateness from the thing being studied to see its truer values and meaning..

Second, Emily, to the extent that I was condescending or presumptuous, two deficiencies I've been not falsely accused of exhibiting, I apologize. There's no excuse and any explanation provided would not change the absence of an excuse so I won't tender an explanation for my ad hominem attacks on a friend. Mea culpa. You are a thinker on many issues and I understand that you don’t espouse your thoughts carelessly.

Third, anonymous, my goodness you are a feisty advocate. My initial reaction on reading your first comment was to respond along the lines of "I don't need anyone else to fight my battles for me". But then I thought about that and realized that such a response was wrong for a number of reasons.

1. There were no battles involved, but discussions between friends.

2. Everyone needs others even if we don't think so. To suggest that you will go things alone is not a sign of strength but of weakness. We are always stronger in numbers and with a broader base(how appropriate) the resistance to pressure is enhanced and the staunchness of righteous advocacy is advanced.

3. There was no fight, but instead a clash of ideas which seeks to hone all participants skills of advocacy without demeaning or diminishing any of the participants or their ideas.

4. Anonymous, as a woman arguing with a woman you bring a different perspective on the issues than I as a man talking to a woman could do. Its odd how gender is so often the elephant in the room that no one talks about. But so many of the interpersonal issues are supremely distinguished by which side of the gender divide one exists on. So some of the arguments that you made effectively as a woman, if I had made the same arguments as a man, would have been either less effective or rejected based on the gender of the source.

5. Finally, the quality of your presentation was a pleasure to read, whether I agreed with your messages or not.

Fourth, Bob, your comment brought a lightness and pleasure to my heart that was wonderful. I suppose that the thought that I touched another lonely FA alone in his own self in a way which caused him to spread his thoughts is truly special. I can only hope that like Nuclear Fission it will be a chain reaction that will liberate many more FAs to write about their experiences and feelings and share the thoughts with others.

Unlike you, I have sat with other FAs and talked with them about issues that are special to FAs without any women present. This was a special meeting for FAs in the context of a Naafa convention and was a magical moment. While many of the desires and preferences of each FA are unique and different, there is such a commonality of feeling and experience that it was wonderful to finally get a sense of belonging. Like the ugly duckling realizing that he was a swan, a member of a different species than the ducks, and being a part of a group of which he was a "normal" member.

So much of growing up as a FA is about finding yourself first and then gathering the strength and resolve to share your unpopular inner being with others. Much like gay folks who have to find the strength to acknowledge their inner desires first and then to share that sense of who they are with outside world by coming out of the closet, so FAs have to come out of the closet.


Sixth, I sensed a great loss in the sturm and drang of the advocacy of the comments relating to the last blog. I hope that there will be a healing and strengthening of friendship’s ties rather than a drifting apart.

Seventh, I sense a small community of readers and participants in this blog has developed which is maturing the blog along with me. For that I thank you all profoundly.