Alas....

Alas it’s been too long since I made an entry in my blog. In some sense it relates to being to busy earning my daily bread, but that wouldn’t be true. In some sense it relates to being to busy chatting and emailing with friends, but that isn’t really true either. But in a larger sense it relates to the absence of “big topics” to attack and a chauvinism that I didn’t want to descend to the level where I was bound by a calendar to make entries on an assembly line documenting my existence.

I wish I could lay claim to the concept that my muse has not granted me the boon of her gift of words, but that would be both obnoxious and silly. In fact, I think the primary reason is that I had a serious stretch of work related stress that obviated the ability to opine and doodle in the blog for about two weeks, and I got out of the habit.

Shame on me, and to the extent that anyone cares beyond the handful who’ve urged me to write more (though I care enough about that handful that their request is more than adequate to get me off my literary ass), I will try to get back on a more regular schedule.

It’s interesting to me when I chat with folks and share the link to the blog to get some feedback. Also, it appears to me that the blog makes a whole lot more sense when read in the order that it is written, if picking it up in midstream. So, I’ve made two requests to just about everyone to whom I’ve given the link to the blog. One that they read it from the beginning to end rather than the way it appears on line with the most recent posting first. Two, that they please post comments if any part of the blog tickles their ire, causes them to laugh, disagree, roll their eyes or any other emotional response.

Sadly, in recent times each of these folks has reported that they enjoyed the blog, found it very interesting AND agreed with it completely. While I suppose this should make me happy, slapped on the back, patted on the head and any other positive reinforcement metaphor I can trot out, it actually saddens me. Most of my thoughts expressed in the blog are ones I’ve considered and actually dwelt on for some time. But some are also rather cutesy, irrational, extreme or irreverent. I can’t believe that anyone actually agrees with everything I’ve said or isn’t ticked off by something enough to say that’s a load of bunk or something more colorful.

My sadness comes from the guesstimate that this reaction has been prepared by our government which no longer invites and encourages free thinking by our citizens, but is happier with a bunch of right thinking sheep. And, so many of us have happily given up the uncertainty and work of actually thinking critically about all the things we’re constantly bombarded with. No explanations or support for positions are provided by the governing group yet the populace generally either nods approval or disapproval based on the groups to which they belong and the group to which the speaker belongs. If he’s one of “your guys” you nod approvingly. If he’s from the opposition, whether Democrat, Republican, Conservative, Liberal, Libertarian, Neo-Con, Communist, Socialist, Hedonist or Uptightist, you nod disapprovingly and discount whatever is said, without seriously considering the merits of the statement or the credibility of the “facts” upon which it is based. In many ways it feels to me like we’ve outsourced our thinking to those we respect or follow.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs that this is awful, horrible, reprehensible, un-American, the victory of the forces of 1984, the old Soviet Union and Iron Curtain countries and the death of individual rights and liberties. Old Tom Jefferson, George Washington, Abe Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt and FDR are rolling over in their graves that we are throwing away the freedoms that the Founders of this great country gave their lives for and men great and small fought for during the ensuing two centuries. We’re not even losing it to some outside force, but meekly letting our government steal it from us without even a peep despite their obvious incompetence, greed and narrowmindedness.

We’ve moved from a rational, thinking, scientific society which also had faith to a faith based society in which all decisions are made based on someone’s faith that things are as they believe rather than based on an analysis of what one sees or exists. It is an elevation of seeing what we want to see over figuring out what is actually happening. The rise of science and observation as a basis for explaining our universe which started the Renaissance seems to be dying and bodes a return to another Dark Age. I see this sort of blind faith throughout our world and sense that it is sapping us of our strengths. A democracy or even a Republic, which is what our form of democratic government is, depends on an interested, involved, thinking, questioning electorate. Unfortunately we have a splintered faith based electorate that votes with its heart and faith(and based on what others tell them about candidates rather than what they have seen, heard and questioned themselves), or based on simplistic, jingoistic labels such as liberal, conservative, tax and spend, pro-choice, pro-life…. The basic civility of our government has essentially disappeared and the concept of bipartisanship is gone.

If you sense that my bitterness with people agreeing with my blog views may be a bit of an overreaction I’m sure that I would agree with you. I suppose the worst thing that could result is that the comments if any to this rant will be, yup, you’re right again.

Sigh.

As I started my blog six months ago with things to say, a hidden motive, not known to me when I started it, was my thirst for intelligent, witty, perceptive competing thoughts about the subjects I was tackling. At first I was so pleased just to have a bully pulpit to export my confused thoughts on subjects that I had silently and privately wrestled with for so long that just having the opportunity to pour my ideas onto a computer screen and roughly organize them in view of my eyes was completely satisfactory. As the flood of pent up words filled page after page of the blog, the gushing ceased and I would reread my own words, testing them for accuracy and whether they rang true.

On the whole I am pretty satisfied by what I said when I said it. But, I am not a static individual and my mind continues to come in contact with new people and experiences, all of which shape me and my views. In recent times I’ve been very touched by a particularly interesting, aware, engaging and sexy fat woman. Apart from the usual hormonal reactions, I have learned new things about me and my world through the lens of her perceptions and thoughts. Had I written some of my blog entries now they might have had a different twist. Should I write them again in the future, after I’ve gone further down this path we call life I’m sure it would change again. That experience and realization is a part of what makes it so frustrating to me that the reaction that I always seem to get is so blandly positive. I know there are things in my blog that I would comment on and take issue with(though I suspect that some would claim that my post-graduate training was in devil’s advocacy).

On a positive note, I have found that there are other thoughtful observers of the fat world. They are struggling, either as fat men and women or as fat admirers or fat supporters to understand what drives them, make themselves comfortable with their bodies and their desires and those who find them attractive.

My recently acquired friend is a marvelous example of a fat woman who is well beyond the normal bounds of fitting into the traditional Barbie shape and size so highly valued by the media and fashionistas. She is delightfully ample of bosom, even more abundant of belly and with curves galore to amaze and delight. Her smile illuminates and chases dark clouds away with ease. But, the most cherished contribution to my happiness is her wonderful comfort in herself and who she is. Life’s troubles and society’s disapproval of her size usually roll right off her majestically rounded shoulders, secure in the knowledge that she is beautiful, a good person and needs no outside confirmation of her own value. Her approach to life and good humor and cheer in the face of life’s foibles and speed bumps serve as an inspiration for me to stop whining so much and enjoy life’s marvels, wonders and magnificent richness with each breath. I give her these words as a birthday present, meager and threadbare though they may be. May she continue to bring a smile to my face, a rise when I think of her and joy to my soul.

Of course, I never know when to stop… so I blog on..

I never cease to be amazed by the incredible beauty and sensitivity of supersized big beautiful women who for unknown reasons have not found their prince charming. So many have settled for the first man who expressed positive feelings toward them, gave them some attention even if it was sometimes negative, or would have them. I know that given the time and opportunity I could make a happy life for me and many of these women(only one at a time, lol). As Nathan Hale said oh so many years ago.. I regret that I have but one wife to give for my country(though of course with the Big Love show on HBO maybe three would be a better number-and if your recollection as to what Old Nate said is slightly different perhaps its because the skinny historian got it wrong). I wonder where the other mature, loving, respectful FAs are.

The positive effect of attention and listening to what any other person actually says with an interested ear cannot be believed. As a young lad looking to get between the sheets with any sorts of women I thought the key was to demonstrate some prowess of a physical or mental nature to impress a young maiden. As I’ve matured I’ve discovered that there is nothing more sexy to a woman than the obvious, interested, engaged social intercourse known as conversation. Conversation is a two part harmony in which the participants are as interested in what the other person has said as they are in saying what comes into their heads. Much conversation these days is merely dueling monologues, with both parties spouting and espousing their views without engaging the other in the least. Like Billy Joel said in the Piano Man,

“Yes, they’re sharing a drink they call loneliness
But its better than drinkin alone”

In fact this is what most conversation is these days. But, given an involved, motivated partner in true social intercourse women of all sizes, but especially bbws and ssbbws who seem to have a harder time attracting as many men’s attention, the flowering of interest and friendship grows like a sunflower.

In my view there is nothing quite as sweet as watching the beautiful inner goddess emerge from the chrysalis of her lonely ssbbw wilderness to the warmth of affection and friendship. I am, in many ways hooked, like a drug addict, on this warmth and opening lonely folks eyes to the wonders and pleasures of fully duplexed communication.

As a generally observing type of the goings on around me I see on a regular basis interactions between spouses and significant others that have no elements of intercourse, but merely shades of transactional discussion and conversations which can be considered two ships passing in the night(or the more vogue interplanetary gender genesis literary title suggestion). One can hear on a train ride some obnoxious lout espousing at high decibel levels his or her conversations with others(either on a cell phone or to a captive audience), in such a way that it is clear that they view the person they are speaking to as a mere receiver of their wisdom and experience because they leave inadequate time for the other person to get a word in edgewise except when they are finally forced to breathe in. Of course the subjects of these screeds are usually inane, stupid and often totally misinformed. And no, I’m not trying to listen in, but not having my ipod at hand and plugged in to the cosmos, I have no choice but to be subjected to each syllable.

Other times in conversations with those who are acquaintances I will recognize that the other person isn’t registering what I’m saying and just blithely advancing their side of the “conversation”. Often, if I’m feeling sassy and self-amused, I’ll start throwing in nonsense words into the flow of the conversation, still receiving the same “oh yes, but……” or “I’ve found….”, or… “anyhow…..” In one case the person was so wrapped up in what they were saying that I actually tried speaking gibberish syllables that sounded like the right number of words for a response. It took about 3 or 4 of these until the person said.. “what, what did you say?”. And, being a chicken, said, gee I don’t remember, at which point they went back to their diatribe about the school board, their bosses’ peccadilloes or the lawn service or whatever they were railing about at that point.

True conversation is both hard work and amazingly satisfying. For someone who is compulsively and congenitally curious as I am, it is also a wonderful way to satisfy my fix for new knowledge, insight and stuff. I tend to ask tons of questions when I find something interesting because I just want to know as much about it as possible, not because there is an agenda, but because it interests me. However, I enjoy a geometric increase in pleasure when the other person or people in the conversation are similarly curious about me or the things we’re talking about. Most people who are looking for members of the other sex(or same sex as the case may be) to form a relationship focus on the physical or the spiritual. This isn’t so terrible, because that’s important, but once you know someone the physical fades into the landscape for most of the time and the spiritual is nice as a support, and what sustains a relationship is the spark of interest in the other persons life, interests, dislikes, etc. Without that, the physical attraction is a waste except as a short term thrill and the spiritual attraction fades under the stresses of here and now.