Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Alas....

Alas it’s been too long since I made an entry in my blog. In some sense it relates to being to busy earning my daily bread, but that wouldn’t be true. In some sense it relates to being to busy chatting and emailing with friends, but that isn’t really true either. But in a larger sense it relates to the absence of “big topics” to attack and a chauvinism that I didn’t want to descend to the level where I was bound by a calendar to make entries on an assembly line documenting my existence.

I wish I could lay claim to the concept that my muse has not granted me the boon of her gift of words, but that would be both obnoxious and silly. In fact, I think the primary reason is that I had a serious stretch of work related stress that obviated the ability to opine and doodle in the blog for about two weeks, and I got out of the habit.

Shame on me, and to the extent that anyone cares beyond the handful who’ve urged me to write more (though I care enough about that handful that their request is more than adequate to get me off my literary ass), I will try to get back on a more regular schedule.

It’s interesting to me when I chat with folks and share the link to the blog to get some feedback. Also, it appears to me that the blog makes a whole lot more sense when read in the order that it is written, if picking it up in midstream. So, I’ve made two requests to just about everyone to whom I’ve given the link to the blog. One that they read it from the beginning to end rather than the way it appears on line with the most recent posting first. Two, that they please post comments if any part of the blog tickles their ire, causes them to laugh, disagree, roll their eyes or any other emotional response.

Sadly, in recent times each of these folks has reported that they enjoyed the blog, found it very interesting AND agreed with it completely. While I suppose this should make me happy, slapped on the back, patted on the head and any other positive reinforcement metaphor I can trot out, it actually saddens me. Most of my thoughts expressed in the blog are ones I’ve considered and actually dwelt on for some time. But some are also rather cutesy, irrational, extreme or irreverent. I can’t believe that anyone actually agrees with everything I’ve said or isn’t ticked off by something enough to say that’s a load of bunk or something more colorful.

My sadness comes from the guesstimate that this reaction has been prepared by our government which no longer invites and encourages free thinking by our citizens, but is happier with a bunch of right thinking sheep. And, so many of us have happily given up the uncertainty and work of actually thinking critically about all the things we’re constantly bombarded with. No explanations or support for positions are provided by the governing group yet the populace generally either nods approval or disapproval based on the groups to which they belong and the group to which the speaker belongs. If he’s one of “your guys” you nod approvingly. If he’s from the opposition, whether Democrat, Republican, Conservative, Liberal, Libertarian, Neo-Con, Communist, Socialist, Hedonist or Uptightist, you nod disapprovingly and discount whatever is said, without seriously considering the merits of the statement or the credibility of the “facts” upon which it is based. In many ways it feels to me like we’ve outsourced our thinking to those we respect or follow.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs that this is awful, horrible, reprehensible, un-American, the victory of the forces of 1984, the old Soviet Union and Iron Curtain countries and the death of individual rights and liberties. Old Tom Jefferson, George Washington, Abe Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt and FDR are rolling over in their graves that we are throwing away the freedoms that the Founders of this great country gave their lives for and men great and small fought for during the ensuing two centuries. We’re not even losing it to some outside force, but meekly letting our government steal it from us without even a peep despite their obvious incompetence, greed and narrowmindedness.

We’ve moved from a rational, thinking, scientific society which also had faith to a faith based society in which all decisions are made based on someone’s faith that things are as they believe rather than based on an analysis of what one sees or exists. It is an elevation of seeing what we want to see over figuring out what is actually happening. The rise of science and observation as a basis for explaining our universe which started the Renaissance seems to be dying and bodes a return to another Dark Age. I see this sort of blind faith throughout our world and sense that it is sapping us of our strengths. A democracy or even a Republic, which is what our form of democratic government is, depends on an interested, involved, thinking, questioning electorate. Unfortunately we have a splintered faith based electorate that votes with its heart and faith(and based on what others tell them about candidates rather than what they have seen, heard and questioned themselves), or based on simplistic, jingoistic labels such as liberal, conservative, tax and spend, pro-choice, pro-life…. The basic civility of our government has essentially disappeared and the concept of bipartisanship is gone.

If you sense that my bitterness with people agreeing with my blog views may be a bit of an overreaction I’m sure that I would agree with you. I suppose the worst thing that could result is that the comments if any to this rant will be, yup, you’re right again.

Sigh.

As I started my blog six months ago with things to say, a hidden motive, not known to me when I started it, was my thirst for intelligent, witty, perceptive competing thoughts about the subjects I was tackling. At first I was so pleased just to have a bully pulpit to export my confused thoughts on subjects that I had silently and privately wrestled with for so long that just having the opportunity to pour my ideas onto a computer screen and roughly organize them in view of my eyes was completely satisfactory. As the flood of pent up words filled page after page of the blog, the gushing ceased and I would reread my own words, testing them for accuracy and whether they rang true.

On the whole I am pretty satisfied by what I said when I said it. But, I am not a static individual and my mind continues to come in contact with new people and experiences, all of which shape me and my views. In recent times I’ve been very touched by a particularly interesting, aware, engaging and sexy fat woman. Apart from the usual hormonal reactions, I have learned new things about me and my world through the lens of her perceptions and thoughts. Had I written some of my blog entries now they might have had a different twist. Should I write them again in the future, after I’ve gone further down this path we call life I’m sure it would change again. That experience and realization is a part of what makes it so frustrating to me that the reaction that I always seem to get is so blandly positive. I know there are things in my blog that I would comment on and take issue with(though I suspect that some would claim that my post-graduate training was in devil’s advocacy).

On a positive note, I have found that there are other thoughtful observers of the fat world. They are struggling, either as fat men and women or as fat admirers or fat supporters to understand what drives them, make themselves comfortable with their bodies and their desires and those who find them attractive.

My recently acquired friend is a marvelous example of a fat woman who is well beyond the normal bounds of fitting into the traditional Barbie shape and size so highly valued by the media and fashionistas. She is delightfully ample of bosom, even more abundant of belly and with curves galore to amaze and delight. Her smile illuminates and chases dark clouds away with ease. But, the most cherished contribution to my happiness is her wonderful comfort in herself and who she is. Life’s troubles and society’s disapproval of her size usually roll right off her majestically rounded shoulders, secure in the knowledge that she is beautiful, a good person and needs no outside confirmation of her own value. Her approach to life and good humor and cheer in the face of life’s foibles and speed bumps serve as an inspiration for me to stop whining so much and enjoy life’s marvels, wonders and magnificent richness with each breath. I give her these words as a birthday present, meager and threadbare though they may be. May she continue to bring a smile to my face, a rise when I think of her and joy to my soul.

Of course, I never know when to stop… so I blog on..

I never cease to be amazed by the incredible beauty and sensitivity of supersized big beautiful women who for unknown reasons have not found their prince charming. So many have settled for the first man who expressed positive feelings toward them, gave them some attention even if it was sometimes negative, or would have them. I know that given the time and opportunity I could make a happy life for me and many of these women(only one at a time, lol). As Nathan Hale said oh so many years ago.. I regret that I have but one wife to give for my country(though of course with the Big Love show on HBO maybe three would be a better number-and if your recollection as to what Old Nate said is slightly different perhaps its because the skinny historian got it wrong). I wonder where the other mature, loving, respectful FAs are.

The positive effect of attention and listening to what any other person actually says with an interested ear cannot be believed. As a young lad looking to get between the sheets with any sorts of women I thought the key was to demonstrate some prowess of a physical or mental nature to impress a young maiden. As I’ve matured I’ve discovered that there is nothing more sexy to a woman than the obvious, interested, engaged social intercourse known as conversation. Conversation is a two part harmony in which the participants are as interested in what the other person has said as they are in saying what comes into their heads. Much conversation these days is merely dueling monologues, with both parties spouting and espousing their views without engaging the other in the least. Like Billy Joel said in the Piano Man,

“Yes, they’re sharing a drink they call loneliness
But its better than drinkin alone”

In fact this is what most conversation is these days. But, given an involved, motivated partner in true social intercourse women of all sizes, but especially bbws and ssbbws who seem to have a harder time attracting as many men’s attention, the flowering of interest and friendship grows like a sunflower.

In my view there is nothing quite as sweet as watching the beautiful inner goddess emerge from the chrysalis of her lonely ssbbw wilderness to the warmth of affection and friendship. I am, in many ways hooked, like a drug addict, on this warmth and opening lonely folks eyes to the wonders and pleasures of fully duplexed communication.

As a generally observing type of the goings on around me I see on a regular basis interactions between spouses and significant others that have no elements of intercourse, but merely shades of transactional discussion and conversations which can be considered two ships passing in the night(or the more vogue interplanetary gender genesis literary title suggestion). One can hear on a train ride some obnoxious lout espousing at high decibel levels his or her conversations with others(either on a cell phone or to a captive audience), in such a way that it is clear that they view the person they are speaking to as a mere receiver of their wisdom and experience because they leave inadequate time for the other person to get a word in edgewise except when they are finally forced to breathe in. Of course the subjects of these screeds are usually inane, stupid and often totally misinformed. And no, I’m not trying to listen in, but not having my ipod at hand and plugged in to the cosmos, I have no choice but to be subjected to each syllable.

Other times in conversations with those who are acquaintances I will recognize that the other person isn’t registering what I’m saying and just blithely advancing their side of the “conversation”. Often, if I’m feeling sassy and self-amused, I’ll start throwing in nonsense words into the flow of the conversation, still receiving the same “oh yes, but……” or “I’ve found….”, or… “anyhow…..” In one case the person was so wrapped up in what they were saying that I actually tried speaking gibberish syllables that sounded like the right number of words for a response. It took about 3 or 4 of these until the person said.. “what, what did you say?”. And, being a chicken, said, gee I don’t remember, at which point they went back to their diatribe about the school board, their bosses’ peccadilloes or the lawn service or whatever they were railing about at that point.

True conversation is both hard work and amazingly satisfying. For someone who is compulsively and congenitally curious as I am, it is also a wonderful way to satisfy my fix for new knowledge, insight and stuff. I tend to ask tons of questions when I find something interesting because I just want to know as much about it as possible, not because there is an agenda, but because it interests me. However, I enjoy a geometric increase in pleasure when the other person or people in the conversation are similarly curious about me or the things we’re talking about. Most people who are looking for members of the other sex(or same sex as the case may be) to form a relationship focus on the physical or the spiritual. This isn’t so terrible, because that’s important, but once you know someone the physical fades into the landscape for most of the time and the spiritual is nice as a support, and what sustains a relationship is the spark of interest in the other persons life, interests, dislikes, etc. Without that, the physical attraction is a waste except as a short term thrill and the spiritual attraction fades under the stresses of here and now.

11 Comments:

Blogger Charlotte said...

Hi.

Um.

It's been too long, I offer no excuse.

I do know what you mean though, the old saying 'everyone has a novel in them' could be updated to say everyone has a blog in them.

Or perhaps a corollory of 15 minutes of fame is 15 really good blog posts?

Enough of that though...

Or maybe not. A blog is a system, a nation is a system, history, is a system. So, if I may tie your post together a little, any system goes through ups and downs. Somedays it's a good system, somedays it doesn't seem so. Yet, a good system uses the downs, for the downs show where there is room to improve, and provide lessons for growth.

On one hand you're right: fixing yourself to a scheduled update is daunting. On the other hand sometimes people take their liberties for granted until they are threatened.

Your blog will continue. You have a desire to be appreciated. You are worth appreciating.

The USA will continue. It doesn't matter who threatens liberties. The American System really is the best the world has ever seen to correct itself and move on. It might seem like dark days now, but come on... some fat chick in Canada is reading about how awful a direction you think your country is going in. That freedom barely existed 5 years ago. You're just looking at the bad.

The USA is bigger than its president. The USA is bigger than its congress. The USA lets its people do what they want, just so long as everyone is civil.

25/5/06 7:38 PM  
Blogger emily pound said...

Hi Huge,

I don't think the lack of opinions/criticisms/irksomeness with your blog have anything to do with your government. I think it has much more to do with general laziness, and the fact that we have all been brainwashed to just consume ourselves to death and then sit around brain-dead admiring our acquisitions. I think it's more media-related than anything else. Have more to say, just wanted to comment on that aspect of your post for now ...

26/5/06 11:20 AM  
Blogger emily pound said...

Oh! We've also become dependent on technology to do so many things for us that we relinquish our minds. We're not used to thinking for ourselves anymore. We have computers to do it for us.

26/5/06 11:22 AM  
Blogger emily pound said...

Your lady friend is very lucky and fortunate to have such a wonderful attitude about her body and her size. You know I wish I could say the same, but I can't. Is it just some innate cheerfulness/optimism in her personality that enables her to be this way? If that's the case, then I definitely tip my hat to her and wish I could follow in her footsteps.

I'm going to play devil's advocate here, though, and say that I've heard a lot of super-sized women say that they love themselves, are confident in their beauty, etc. If that is true, then hooray for them! Honestly. It is so important for us to feel good about ourselves, and I know how hard it is. I honestly do not begrudge anyone their happiness in themselves. But I suspect that a great deal of these women are either bold-faced lying that they feel this way, and are just saying that to annoy the thin people who keep getting on their asses and tell them they need to change. Or they are simply so super-sized that they are unable to leave their homes, and therefore, live in an environment totally tailored to their own comforts and needs. Most of us don't have that luxury ... we need to go out in the outside world and deal with the annoyances, prejudices, etc. If you're housebound and living in a loving environment, you're immune to all that stuff. So, I guess I'm just saying that it's a lot easier for some people to feel good about their size because they stay sequestered in an environment that makes them feel comfortable, and happy.

26/5/06 11:35 AM  
Blogger hugehugefan said...

Dear Emily:

Your devil's advocate comments are a bit off target. My lady friend is not in any way the helpless, bloasted, immobile creature you've described. She is not coddled and has to work long and hard to earn her daily bread. I take offense at the suggestion that she, or any other fat women are only comfortable at their sizes because someone has cushioned their existences so they need do nothing but sit at home and have others do for them. Yes, there are women and men who have entered that sort of situation, but they are in the smallest of minorities and almost all bbws and ssbbws are working stiffs like you and me, who need to work, deal with family, do cleaning, laundry, shopping, cooking, etc.

She is an independent, hard working woman who drives herself around and is an active mother.

She is very confident of the beauty she projects at her ssbbw size with a shape that drives men who appreciate beautifully curvaceous women into a feeding frenzy.

She has no illusions about the significance, both positive and negative about her size, but understands that this is where her body is and wants to be. She works to maintain her fitness and mobility at her current size.

The fact that many well meaning people urge her to lose weight and other less well meaning people stare at her and make nasty comments makes her life more difficult. But she has confidence, which is based on her knowledge that she is a good person both inside and out. She understands her body and actively monitors her good health assiduously. She also knows that dieting is a sure fire way to increase the size of her body rather than reduce it in any meaningful way. She will explain this to rational folks who care to listen and are interested.

I understand you have been struggling to achieve an acceptance of your body's size and shape and still have a continuing dissatisfaction with your current weight. We've discussed that it is critical that you accept yourself at your current size and not put off acceptance and self-approval unless you reach some goal weight or size. Please don't believe that others who have achieved this are just lucky, deluding themselves or lying. It requires work and consistent positive mental attitude that you are a good person regardless of your size and at your current size. If you want to change your size that's fine, but don't put your self-acceptance on layaway till you have lost some number of pounds. And, please don't believe that because you have not achieved the goal of self-acceptance that others have not.

27/5/06 9:55 PM  
Blogger emily pound said...

Huge,

If you will read my comments again, I never once said that your lady friend was one of those women I was speaking about. I said some fat women are. I also said that I applaud those women who manage to feel good about themselves and that I wished I could have the same mindset. It sounds like your friend is one of them. Lucky her, that's all I can say.

I took offense at your patronizing comment "We've discussed how you have to practice self-acceptance blah blah blah" whatever ... "we've", as in what, you're my therapist or something? My self-acceptance is my concern, not yours. It is very presumptuous of you to insert yourself into the equation.

28/5/06 2:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First, I should say that I am the "lady friend" in question, and so pleased that Huge bestowed on me the gift of his words. It was a delightful surprise and one that I will never forget...that being said...

When someone starts a blog, they may do it for various reasons. Boredom. Loneliness. Antagonism. Fun. Intellectual curiosity. All of these reasons are good ones, but for Huge, I do believe it's the last one that drives his blog motivation. There is nothing that Huge loves more than to strike someones' curiosity vein and tap in to find out what makes them tick. Curiosity killing the cat? Not with Huge, he thrives on it and is genuinely interested in what you have to say. Will he agree? Maybe, maybe not, but you'll always get a response because that, in turn, makes his wheels start to spin, likely turning his brain to other thoughts he thought nonexistent or just plain dormant.

Emily, I agree with you , in part. There ARE some BBW/SSBBW that are the way you say they are. They are the lonely women(and men too, don't forget) who find no joy in life because they are living a lie of supposed happiness, at least to those around them. But, at the end of the day, they are at home and they hate the way they are. It may be these ladies that use WLS to "fix" what is "wrong" with them. It may be these ladies that use the online world to meet people that will allow them to escape the self loathing for just a little while. It is these women that I feel such empathy for, because I'd lie if I said that I'd never felt that way. There was a time, in my very youthful years, that I felt like I was the biggest woman on the planet, and that no one would EVER be able to love me the way I deserved to be loved. But, even while thinking that, I knew that I would find it, because my inner spirit was always there. It reminded me that I was deserving of it, and that it would find me eventually. It did, and while some loves have come and gone, there are lessons I've learned along the way.

Love yourself, because the love you have, the love that you THINK will be enough, ISN'T enough when you don't love YOU. You are an articulate woman, Emily, and hopefully you'll get to the point of looking in the mirror and realize that there is nothing wrong with you. Society has made all of us(at some time) feel inferior. Fat is wrong. Fat is disgusting, etc. blah blah blah. It is not wrong. It is not disgusting. It is a fact of life. Logically and medically, we all need fat to make our bodies work properly, and some bodies have more of it than others. Some have enough for 10 people, but I digress..lol

Emily, I know that Huge's response was fiery, and I know the reason why. He saw that as an attack on me, and for his response, I love him for it. However, I appreciate your response, and he will too, when he is able to re-read it and take it for what it was: a well thought response, from someone who is interested in what he has to say.

He'll always have more than 15 minutes of fame with me...he'll have it forever….

31/5/06 5:56 AM  
Blogger emily pound said...

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for posting your comments. I was wondering if you were going to make an appearance while this discussion was going on, and I'm glad you did. At least you understood what I was trying to say, and didn't take it the wrong way. I have found that Huge has a tendency to be rather militant about his beliefs, and I knew that his response to me was in defense of you, when in reality, of course, I meant no offense at all. He needs to chill out a little.

Having said that, I want to thank you for acknowledging the truth in what I said (and as one fat woman to another, who knows better than us?). I never meant to say that ALL self-loving fat people are cloistered and sheltered from life. But a lot of them are. And just because someone SAYS they're happy doesn't necessarily make it true. I have heard some of the most outspoken fat advocates say, "yes, I said however-many years ago that I was happy and satisfied but it was a lie."

I want to add something else that is EXTREMELY important, and I'm surprised I've never said it before, actually. Huge keeps saying I need to love myself, but the truth is ... I DO love myself. A lot. It's my FAT I don't like. It makes me uncomfortable. It keeps me from having the lover and the relationship and the great sex I deserve. It keeps me from being able to wear the clothes I want to wear. It affects my life in so many different ways.

The fact that my fat has prevented me from having what is a given to other women makes me angry, BECAUSE I love myself. I KNOW I deserve to have it, in fact, I believe that any man who would get me would be incredibly lucky. Does that sound like someone who doesn't love themselves? I don't think so. I know that I am an amazing, beautiful person, but I don't have what I should have, and a lot of it is because I am fat. That is a fact.

I wish I could not hate my fat, but I do, and I always will. I am always trying to lose it, I never give up. I may be fighting a losing battle but I refuse to accept it because it's a lie to say I love the way my body LOOKS. It's not a lie to say I love myself, but it is a lie to say I love the way I look.

You sound like a wonderful woman, and I can see why Huge is so taken with you. It would be really nice to get to know you, if you're so inclined. Maybe some of your positive attitude regarding your weight would rub off on me. :-) Who knows? Anyway, I'd love to get to know you. It would be nice to have a female friend who genuinely loves her body. Please email me. You can click on my name and get to my contact info from there. I hope to hear from you. But if not, thanks anyway. For understanding what I said.

1/6/06 11:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2/6/06 7:42 PM  
Blogger emily pound said...

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for the compliments as well. It is very nice to hear them.

I just wanted to comment about a couple of the things you said. As far as denying myself love/lovers, I know there are FAs out there who love large women, but it would be so nice to just meet someone the "old fashioned way" ... you know what I mean ... you see him, he sees you, and presto! He asks you out, etc. etc.

Let me give you an example of what I mean. All through my adolescence, I grew up watching my friends get the guys, have all the sex, have all the fun. I was able to get little "helpings" of sex from time to time, but not once in my adolescence did I have a boyfriend, a real relationship. I think my 20's were even worse, until I met my husband (yes, I was married) and with him, I was so grateful I had a guy interested in me that I overlooked the fact that there really wasn't much passion between us for years and years. And along the way, I fell hopelessly, painfully in love with men who told me I was just too big for them, they didn't have "those" kinds of feelings for me. This has been the story of my life. Most recently, I met a guy on a dating site that I really clicked with, and when I met him, we were extremely attracted to each other (I thought), he was amazing in bed, and I was just ga-ga, he made me feel so good. This guy was not slim, in fact, he had a gut on him that was pretty substantial. But, would you believe, this guy told me I was just too big for him. Yep. He told me he was sorry, but that he was just not attracted to me. This, of course, after who knows how many blowjobs and passionate makeouts (thank God I never went all the way with him, but I might as well have, because I really fell for him, I wanted him so bad.) It was so hurtful, and yes, he was a creep, not to mention a hypocrite, but I felt like that teenager all over again, rejected, ugly, FAT.

I just want the kind of attention from men that other women seem to get as their birthright. It's just not fair. I know LIFE isn't fair, but ... I've just had so much pain from this aspect of my life.

And as far as clothes go, yes, I know there are a lot of stores out there that cater to larger women, and I shop at them. They have nice things, but I just wish I could walk into an Old Navy, or Gap, or wherever, and just pick something off the rack that I think is so cute and sexy and never worry about it not fitting. We larger women have a far bigger variety of clothes available to us now, this is true, but there is nowhere near the variety and style and sexiness that's available to smaller women.

For the record, I don't want to be thin either. Just average. I just want to get rid of my goddam pannus. You know, that huge ring of fat that hangs down from the hips? That's the part of my body I dislike the most. It would be nice to get undressed in front of a man, too, and not wonder if he's thinking how hideous it is.

So, where do these FAs hang out, anyway? :-)

3/6/06 4:44 PM  
Blogger Bob said...

Hello,

I just want to tell you that I really enjoy reading your blog.

In fact it inspired me to start my own Blog.

http://www.fa-blog.blogspot.com

I always enjoy the thoughts you put together in your pieces. I think discussion is sometimes hard to foster on the internet because it probably takes more time.

As far as your worries about the United States those worries have always been with us. John Adams believed that the foundation of Republican government required a distribution of Education, Wisdom and Virtue within the public. Unfortunatly I am deeply worried about a non-distribution of education that has been occuring.

One of the reasons why I think you write your blog is for feedback from other FA's.

You as I probably never met in person another FA. I lived my whole life without being able to sit down and drink a beer and talk about the women that I consider beautiful with someone else that had the same point of view.

5/6/06 10:59 AM  

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