Thursday, April 20, 2006

Some Thoughts on Your Post

Well, boys and girls, I’m incredibly pleased to be able to share the thoughts and story of a real world X Fat person with whom I’ve chatted over a significant period of time and who I’ve always found to be perceptive, self-aware, extraordinarily smart and needless to say very sexy. The story and the points that follow are her words, only slightly polished by me, but hers, and not mine. Nothing here has been published until she’s had a chance to review it and approve it. I wanted this post to be her story and her views, and not just my views. Naturally, her name has been changed and some of the details of her life/story have been adapted if they would too closely identify her. As noted, her privacy is very important to her, and being respectful of that, to me as well. She has expressed an interest in establishing more contact with men and women like her. So, if someone would like to be in contact with her they may send an email to me at and I will forward it to her. No hate mail or anything of that sort will be forwarded. However, in my travels through cyberspace I’ve become aware that the number of isolated X Fat folks out there is much greater than most would imagine. To the extent that this blog will help them contact each other and enlarge the networks that each have, that is one of the things that my friend was hoping would result.

I will call my friend, who happens to be an X Fat woman(she’s first my friend and only secondarily an X Fat woman, not the other way around, though of course my initial interest in chatting with her was based on her size), Jane. I’ve picked this name because to date I’ve never met an X Fat woman with that name. And, without further ado, Jane’s words.

Some Thoughts on your blog spot

This is really hard for me. I just don’t usually dwell on these things. I liked most of what I read, and I do think you treated the subject with respect. One of the things I agree with is that SSBBW’s tend to be very private. I am, and a couple of others I know in real life are VERY private. The outgoing ones you meet online are the exceptions.

Just a few words about me. I’m a married ssbbw, mother of 2 adopted children. I was divorced once. I don’t know what my weight is currently, but I am heavier than I have ever been before, probably over 800 pounds. I do weigh myself on a monthly basis, but my husband reads the scale and I’m usually not interested in knowing what the scale reads. I know that my weight went over 800 pounds some months ago. I don’t usually mention that the children are adopted, but I think it’s important to note here. It is possible for extremely heavy women to have normal family lives, but it is often difficult to get pregnant due to changes in hormones and irregular periods. I did get pregnant when I weighed about 475, after our first adoption, but it turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy.

My weight has been an issue since age 13. I worked very hard to control it. I was very active, and have been though dozens of diets. The only thing I lost permanently through a diet was my gall bladder. After my first marriage ended, I went on a diet called Optifast, and went from 360 pounds, to 240 pounds in a miraculously short period of time – about 6 months! I wasn’t any happier, but I was much more comfortable getting out and meeting new people. I met my second (forever!) husband when I was 28 years old and I weighed about 260. We met at a piano class – he was moonlighting as a piano teacher. My weight began to climb, but it didn’t seem to make much difference to either of us. Two years later I was back up to 360.

My husband made it very clear he liked the additional weight, and I was fine with it too. We did want to have children, and for two more years I struggled just to maintain my weight, while we went through all the usual treatments, including in-vitro. When the opportunity to adopt came up, we took it. What a gift from God!

After the adoption I made no effort to control my weight, and a year later I was up to 475. This was when the opportunity to adopt our second child came up, and again, we jumped at it. Without any real effort, my weight sort of stabilized again, and for the next 2 years it stayed pretty much the same. A lot of people ask if my weight was a factor for the adoptions. The fact is, it was no real problem, except for the social worker’s concern about my rapid gain after the initial placement of our first child.

A lot of people also ask about being an extra large ssbbw mom. I think it is more of a problem for me, emotionally, than for the kids. I am not the kind of mom I wanted to be. I can’t go to school functions now. I know they are reluctant to bring friends home, with only a few exceptions. They are happy and healthy, and the time we have together is wonderful. Now some of their friends have driver’s licenses, and they are anxious to get away, while I am pretty much home-bound. This is very hard for me. About 8 years ago my weight started climbing again, and very suddenly, I found I had serious mobility problems. This was at about 580. I was horrified, and went on another crash diet, and lost about 90 pounds. But a year later, I was gaining again. I knew what was going to happen, but it seemed so natural…there is no explanation. The reduction in mobility seemed more gradual, and very easy to adjust to. In a way, I think this is a trap. I fear immobility so much, but you adjust to it too easily. I can’t get out and visit or shop, but the truth is, I mostly don’t miss that.

I told you I thought some things were missing from your blog, about what life is like for someone like me. Here are at least some of them, in no particular order.

1. FEAR. I am very healthy for someone my age and weight – which is to say, my health is poor. I am diabetic, and have high blood pressure, as well as sleep apnea. These are all pretty recent – within the last 4 years. My heart pounds so hard sometimes I am afraid it will just burst. The health problems associated with weight are real, and inevitable. It is just a question of time.

2. JOY. I love to eat, and pretty much eat what I want, as much as I want. I don’t stuff myself, but I am very sedentary, so even low intake seems to lead to additional weight gain. Sex has been a factor in my weight gain. I won’t try to hide that. Our sex life always seemed to improve as I gained weight. Even now, we have a very active sex life, which I am sure many skinny girls would envy!

3. LOVE. I require total care. I need help going to the bathroom, and cleaning up afterward, as well as all other personal care. My husband provides most of this, and it has lead to a very deep relationship that I think few can really understand. It is hard to over emphasize this. We have a total commitment to each other. I know some see this as sick in a way, but for us it has developed beautifully and naturally.

So, this is Jane’s story.

I was going to put a closing gloss on what she has said, but have decided not to do so. I am interested, however in any comments you have. Again, I will note that the comments can be done anonymously, though of course even if you use the anonymous feature, it would be great if you can identify yourself at the end of the post in some way.

If you have questions for or about Jane, let me know.


Blogger emily pound said...

Hi Huge,

I just want to send Jane my love and tell her that although I don't weigh 800 pounds, I could feel and empathize with every single thing she said. So many big people, despite the awful way a lot of them are treated, have such big hearts and Jane adopting her two children is an example of that. Thanks for posting this and please say hello to her for me.

20/4/06 1:08 PM  
Anonymous Stacie said...

Jane is a very courageous woman, and it saddens me that she is a prisoner in her home.

I am a SSBBW, 445lbs and trying to have my first child, and have a constant fear of being in the same shoes that Jane was in. Her heart is truly golden as she went on with her dream of children, regardless of the inability to conceive.

I want to say that I wish she wasn't as big as she is, but thats a little hypocritical. I wish that she instead is able to stabilize herself enough to see her children grow up to be healthy, happy adults with children of their own.

Can you imagine the hugs that Gramma Jane will give?

Blessings to you, Jane, for I know all your fears as I live them, too.


20/4/06 5:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

After reading Emily and Stacie's comments I had to go back and skim over what Jane said because it almost seemed like I didn't read the same piece they read. They responded with sympathy; I read what Jane said and was envious. But then, I'm someone who (health issues aside) would love to have the courage and support to become X fat. *sighs*

One question for Jane, though... which she doesn't have to answer if it's too personal. Though I don't think she states it directly, it sounds like her husband is turned on by her weight gain. Is she turned on by it too?

Thanks Huge, as always, for bringing an intelligence, wit, and insightfulness to topics not generally discussed elsewhere!

- Ex Fat (as in used to be fat but is now merely a minnow)

21/4/06 9:40 PM  
Anonymous didgyreandgimble said...

I recall a show I watched once on FOX (not FX) where a woman who was quite large, although not 800 lbs, was featured. It was so hurtful to watch. They portrayed the husband as being 'unhealthy' because he didn't push his wife to lose weight and instead focused on getting her a) on a diet, and b) on some sort of exercise regimen. This was all at the instigation of the children I believe. They said they were concerned about her health, but it was also quite clear that they were embarrassed by her. That made me even more sad. I was almost in tears at the end of the segment.

I am not even close to as large as this woman. I am not so sure I would be able to endure her lack of mobility, which is a testament to her courage to be who she is. She is so blessed to have such a wonderful loving support network, especially a loving husband. Wouldn't we all like to have one of those! ha!

I am even more proud of her children. It can be hell on kids who grow up with a larger-than-average parent. In my children's case, they have been teased unmercifully because I am fat. In my case, it might also be because I live in an appartment as compared to a private home. It's almost funny, since many of their mothers weigh close to what I weigh! But, as I said, it isn't funny for my kids.

Luckily, they are not embarrassed about me, but it has taken some education on my part for them to understand the issues regarding weight and size acceptance.

Thank you, huge, for sharing her story with us. It would be nice if she could share her story more widely. I wish more that her story could be accepted by everyone it reached.

I have one question: since she is unable to leave her home, how does she get medical care for her diabetes and other health issues? I am merely curious...

6/5/06 1:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you Jane for sharing your story. I am greatfull for having your perspective on being your size. It is wonderful to know you and your husband have a caring and loving relationship. It is also very encouraging to know your love for your children and your attitude about being your size with some pros and cons. Some of us who are feeders/feedees have concerns and wish to address some issues before they arise. We are concerned with health, love, and care of our mates.
We are driven by our desires to achieve what you have achieved. We realise that with love and care we can have the relationship you have.
Thanks again

1/6/06 11:08 AM  

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