Tuesday, January 17, 2006

FA's in the Closet

I think this is an important issue for both FA’s and BBW’s to deal with and to understand. Of course, I can only speak from the FA side, but having been educated over the years and quite recently about FA’s in the closet I thought it appropriate to express my views about this thorny subject with more complexity and depth.

I don’t have any doubt that FA’s need to come out of the closet and be open to those they care about and who care about them, including family, friends and coworkers that they do not merely tolerate their fat objects of admiration, but are attracted to them, find them beautiful and will not accept family, friends and coworkers making demeaning comments about the women they care for and about. Like everything about humans, few black and white lines exist and a spectrum of reactions to out of the closet FA’s (“OTC FA’s”) and the objects of their adoration result. Some crusty curmudgeons are essentially immovable despite repeated and pointed instruction, cajoling, threatening.. etc. Often the very oldest generation can be like this(though not always and not even most of the time, some of these oldies having actually gained maturity along with social security benefits). Another group are those who agree to act appropriately but often seem to “forget”. Repeated application of charm, arm twisting and even some scenes often cure these miscreants. Some just don’t get it. Despite the explanation they are like eight track cassettes…. A few minutes after the last reminder they revert to their base behavior, seemingly having no memory and just restarting again like the endless loops that eight tracks are (perhaps this dates me.. though I never actually owned an eight track… being a child of the cassette generation). And some, enlightened individuals get it. They understand that if they care about the FA they want him to be happy and.. if this person, whoever she is makes him happy, they make them happy as well by extension. I could go on.. but I’ve drifted from the point.

What is in the closet behavior? Going out to a restaurant where you would never meet anyone you know. Making plans to go out for a night on the town and showing up with a pizza and a few dvd’s…. so we don’t have to go out. Excluding you from any of his family events. The reasons, of course are legendary and never ending. Not inviting you to work social events that spouses and girlfriends of other workers attend. Going out without you to events.. because you wouldn’t enjoy it….

Well, I think that’s only the briefest of lists and a full scale list is only limited by the ingenuity and degenerateness of the closeted FA’s ("CFA’s'"). You get the point. In fact, many of you and me at some time have either been subjected to or subjected someone else to such behavior.

So, now the question, is it okay for a FA to remain in the closet. The answer, NO. Let me repeat that. It is not acceptable to treat another human being, any human being, no less one you purport to care about, in a fashion which shows that you are ashamed to know them, be associated with them and will allow others to treat them as less than you would want to be treated.

So, does this mean that any CFA is to be considered reprehensible pond scum? NO. In much the same way that BBWs who haven’t gained sufficient self esteem to overcome the societal pressures to conform with the view that thin is in and if they are fat they are a failure unless and until they lose weight isn’t to be berated and condemned, a CFA who hasn’t made the move to OTC FA isn’t to be berated and condemned. Pitied, perhaps, but not condemned initially. However, if a CFA begins a relationship with a BBW or SSBBW it is incumbent on the woman to put her foot down with the CFA. Make the man make the shift to OFC FA or say goodbye. This doesn't mean overnight, but making progress in that direction, situation by situation, family member by family member, friend by friend and work colleague by work colleague. If a woman continues a relationship after she recognizes that the fella is a CFA and isn’t coming out of the closet she is enabling his behavior. By doing so she is a party to the CFA’s behavior. Shame on her. As Dr. Ruth used to sing on the radio… You’ve got to wash that boy right out of your hair…

So, CFA’s are to be pitied, not vilified. However, blessed with a BBW or SSBBW of their own, they must make the move out of the closet to the heady liberation of OTC FA status.

What sayeth you folks, male and female?


Blogger emily pound said...

I say ... there is no ridicule, demeaning comment, prejudice, bias, stigma, that FAs have been subjected to that can even come CLOSE to the ones fat women face on a daily basis. FAs are only subjected to maltreatment when people are AWARE that they are FAs, which, as we know, can be very well hidden. A fat woman cannot hide her fatness. She is "out of the closet" every day and she can't escape societal sanctions.

This is why it is so very important that when she finds a man who seems to care about her, that he "put up or shut up". It cannot do very much for her self-esteem if she continues to bed a man who acts like they don't really have a relationship. And it's also why it's so very important that that guy come out of the closet and love her and support her, knowing the crap she has to deal with on a daily basis.

As a fat woman, I've rebelled against society's obsession with thinness and told society, in whatever way I can, that it can go fuck itself if it doesn't like me the way I am. I've fought the fight but I sure as hell haven't won the war, and I know I never will. I do want to lose weight, but not to please society. I have no control over the subconscious messages that have been drilled into my head that I need to lose weight, so if that's what's driving me to do it, I have absolutely no control over it. That's like saying I have control over global warming. The conditioning is just too inherent and too all-consuming by now. So, don't be too quick to castigate fat women if they say they want to lose weight. As far as I'm concerned, I do want to lose it for ME, because I want to, but I know it could very well be just years of brainwashing that I need to lose it to please society. Who the fuck knows? All I know is, there is nothing worse than someone who purports to love you treating you like you are nothing. That is inexcusable. And I would never tolerate it. But there are some fat women out there who are so desperate not to be alone, just to have anybody, that they would tolerate it. And a lot of these guys take advantage of that. They know that these women are so desperate that it's like shooting fish in a barrel.

18/1/06 5:21 AM  
Anonymous Frannie said...

How near and dear to my heart this post is. As a SSBBW, I have met my fair share (ok, more than my fair share I think) of men who think I am beautiful, but would rather stay in with a movie than be subjected to the comments of outsiders in the "real world". To those men, I have always closed the door and said thanks but no thanks. If you find me attractive, be willing to be seen in public with me. To proudly hold my hand in public, to let others know, strangers, as well as friends and family, that we are together. The doubt that is erased when you meet the family of your love interest melts away pounds of unneeded concern. Bless those family members of FA's who accept and love the fat partner, simply because they recognize the happiness and content of their loved FA. Time spent wondering how they would react was just a waste of concern, thankfully.

29/1/06 1:44 PM  

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