Thursday, July 05, 2007

FA’s Find Friendship

FA’s Find Friendship

In recent days I had the reprisal of an event which has come to be a very special event for me. The husband of one of my dear internet friends, a ssbbw of great beauty and wisdom and class and charm and lots more neat stuff, came into town. He usually comes into New York twice a year for business and ,being a New Yorker originally, he drools for several months in advance over the thought that he will have a chance to have a “real” tongue or corned beef or pastrami sandwich. On his arrival we usually retire to an old style Kosher Deli where the sandwich thickness is akin to the Manhattan Yellow Pages, digging deep into the culinary timewarp that accompanies this living embodiment of childhood memories.

However, as wonderful as the food and company is, his arrival triggers another event which I’ve truly looked forward to now with even greater anticipation(since I live in NY and can eat the deli whenever the urge grabs me). That other event is related to the fact that my friend, I’ll call him Sting, though as far as I know he doesn’t play bass, sing professionally or have any association with the Police, is a dyed in the wool, card carrying Fat Admirer. While he is faithful and adoring of his lovely wife, in his heart and soul, eyes and loins he feels the pull and attraction of the glories of fat women. Like all of us FAs he wanders through life attuned to the appearance and presence of the mystical, magical and magnificent charms of BBWs and SSBBWs in the wild.

It is an article of faith that when FAs write about their thoughts the concept of “the sighting” is never far from their writings. Many BBWs and SSBBWs seem mystified and/or insulted by this seeming obsession with the way in which FAs seem to share and trade sightings with each other like trading cards or rare stamps or coins. They sense that there is an objectification of the women into some “thing”, having a shape, size, face but devoid of personality or other characteristics of humanity. I think, that in many ways this is an unfair charge because, for the FA, the sighting is as much of as a FA’s being as is breathing, smelling fire to warn one when to run, smelling good food as a sign to eat or a dark shadowy alley alerts some primeval early warning system to prime the fight/flight responses. For an FA, the sighting in some primitive, hardwired way, prepares the FA for the presence of a potential partner. While in our complex society this function is generally not something that can be acted on(in the way it might have been in our distant past when the number of people was so low and the only way to assure procreation was to act on someone interesting to you pretty much immediately), the hardwired system is in place and triggers automatically, much in the way that the smell of fire triggers a bodily reaction or aroma of good food causes the saliva to begin flowing.

The interesting thing for me is that “most people” and even many BBWs and SSBBWs find the whole FA reaction to be gross, repulsive or in some fashion infantile, when, I suspect it is something completely natural, normal(among FAs), and proper. I will, however, agree that acting on that FA reaction without the usual societal restraints and controls would be improper.

The meeting with Sting, the FA, was a seminal event in the continuing evolution of my understanding of my own being(and no fluids were passed apart from mustard and ketchup). The reason is that by nature and probably more by virtue of the ostracism of our preferences, most FAs are loners, at least as to our preferences. While there are some highly evolved FAs who are not only open about their preferences but wear them on their sleeves like a badge of honor, more of us who are open about our preferences feel no need to broadcast our proclivities and taste because it generally isn’t most people’s business what we believe or find attractive. Anyhow, it appears that vast numbers of us(like Nixon’s Silent Majority), are rather lonely and cloistered in our FA’dom in real life. The internet has provided a more comfortable venue for finding other FAs, although again most FAs on the net are looking for BBWs and SSBBWs and see the other FAs more as competition than as comrades in arms(fat arms, naturally). So, even on the Dimensions Boards and Chat there tends to be more of a separation of FAs from other FAs. The women chat with the women, the men chat with the women(and vice versa), but only more rarely do the guys chat with the guys except as a way of besting another to vie for the attention of a woman. I suspect a certain amount of homophobia may be one of a number of reasons for this.

In real life environments where there are fat women and FAs grouped together the dynamics of the environments again tend to disfavor FAs grouping together in a way where they recognize, revel in or explore each other as a way to find out more about themselves or just have a good time. Having attended Naafa conventions over the years I see this playing itself out repeatedly. There are various social groups… all girls, one woman surrounded by a posse of men, one man surrounded by a posse of women(I like this one….) or a group of men and women sharing a space as a group. But only rarely are there groups of male FAs together to hang out and enjoy the time together and revel in the wonders of being an FA in such a beauty rich environment. I wrote about one such FA meeting at a Naafa convention on the dimensions boards many moons ago.

So, my FA friend’s visits to my town provide us a time to hang out, catch up on people we know in common, see how each of us is doing, and our families, and break bread together(preferably rye). And this has always been a source of enjoyment, but the FA side of us has in some way been tacitly accepted but not really discussed as some embarrassing wart or birthmark that we know the other knows we have, but isn’t to be discussed or compared. Usually, in the past we have danced around the subject and shared a rushed sighting of some extraordinary nature or the like. But, no real discussions as to what we really have happen inside as we wander the world locking in on flabulous fat women in the wild have surfaced.

Until the last time.

For the first time we somehow had a little extra time together and had a meal at a place more conducive to sitting and hanging out and lingering over a very pleasant dinner and talking. And, finally, our talk slowly, and initially scarily trespassed on the forbidden fruit of FA’dom. And, rather than a lightning bolt striking each of us down as we sat, or the other looking on in horror or disgust, the gates began to open and decades long private thoughts passed our lips and crackled off our tongues. And there was no horror or disgust, but amusement, knowing nods and serious belly laughs. The amazing secret that we discovered…. Inside we’re almost totally the same. We play the same private mental games, perform the same FA activities and enjoy the same internal debates about a woman’s size, shape, dimensions, weight and beauty. We each have elaborate mental constructs to calculate what a woman weighs, what her dimensions are, from height, to bust, to waist, hips and thighs. And, not wedded to a single estimation, as we continue to observe a fat woman we often tweak the initial calculation based on the way she moves, observations from different angles and other visual and sensory inputs.

As a game, and because it allowed us to spend more time together until I had to take my train home, he walked with me to Grand Central Terminal and we situated ourselves on the mid step landing at the Western end of the main room of the terminal, the one with the high ceiling with the stars of the Zodiac laid out on it. But rather than observe the stars on the ceiling we talked and followed the female stars below and in front of us. The area is so vast you can’t immediately see everyone across the whole expanse of the big space. Yet, we each would see all of the fat women within seconds of each other and then would share our estimates of their sizes if they were sufficiently interesting and ther weren’t too many at one time to focus on. My methods of calculation, honed over decades of FA’dom are empirical and subjective, not based on any formulaic approach. Sting’s approach is more highly mathematical, based on an evaluation of the basic three dimensions with some “weighting” factors, such as relative proportions and others. Yet, our guesses were usually quite closely linked together. Usually less than a ten percent variation, which in such a setting is quite small would divide our guesses.

We also discussed the way in which our bodies, eyes, brains are set up so that we need do nothing for a fat woman to trigger our attention .It is clearly some system from the dim past that continues to function and aid us in our search for the perfect mate. However, it is an acute sense like those of sight, smell, sound, taste and touch. Whether it’s a jungle sense that dates to the early sense of whether the sound you hear is prey or predator or friend or foe, I know that my FA sense of an approaching fat woman is as much a part of me as is my ability to distinguish the smell of frying bacon from burning rubber. One arouses my taste buds and salivary glands to action. The other alerts the cough reflex and eyes to churn out tears to fight the oncoming horrid stench and acrid smoke. In the same way the locking onto an attractive fat woman causes my heart to beat faster and some shrunken bony woman’s appearance devoid of any secondary signs of womanhood, breasts, hips, butts triggers no reaction apart from a slight uneasy agita, distaste or pity.

In many ways I wonder about non-FAs and if they experience the same sort of independent below consciousness tracking system for hunting out the women who appeal to them on some visceral level. And, of course, whether women have a similar sort of early warning system in place.

It’s funny, I started out intending to write about how wonderful it is as a FA to have another FA who is your friend, but moved beyond that to what I see as a core FA issue, which has never received much play in the discussion boards apart from some creepy sounding thing that sleezy FAs do when they leer and drool at fat women, making them at least uncomfortable and at worst totally skeevish and frightened/angry.

However, I believe, and put it out there for others to weigh in, that the FA’s BBW early warning system is an inherent element of the FA makeup and something that is just hardwired into our systems. Neither good nor evil, merely a part of us like arms and legs and bellies and a penis.

I’d be interested in other comments from FAs, whether men or women, about their relationships with other FAs and comments about this FA sixth sense I’ve tried to get a handle on.

But, to come full circle on the original thought, my friend is coming back into town this weekend and I’ll be able to revisit this subject and go into it in greater depth and perhaps to share inner FA thoughts openly with another connoiseur of curvy charms We have plans to attend a glorious food based event which he attends as part of his vocation and for me as part of my avocation. However, based on his prior visits he assures me that the ratio of bbws and ssbbws to the pool of women is much higher than that of the population in general. I stand prepared to be convinced, stupefied and delighted.

9 Comments:

Blogger Charlotte said...

Okay.

I know everyone likes to think they're special, maybe a little more 'evolved' than the common people. Everyone likes to belong to a select group.

But the fact is, all men are like that, just about their preferences. Guys who like skinny girls feel everything you do, share everything you do. They're just seem to be part of a larger group. They'll still break themselves into chest, ass and leg men, preferences for blondes, brunettes and redheads, and when they run into another red-head leg-man, they do feel what you've describe.

You're right, people don't really dwell on it, and they feel a tad embarrassed, as though they might be some sort of deviant. You're not. You're normal, you're healthy, and you admit it. Maybe you are more evolved.

As for the BBW taking exception, it's not really unique to us either. Skinny women take umbrage at it as well. BBW do face different social pressures, and will sometimes take offence a little easier, in the name of being more 'evolved' as well. It's too bad, and I'm sure the world will catch up and realise that big and small, we're all human, and subject to the same basic behaviours, even if the objects of our desires vary.

6/7/07 6:40 AM  
Blogger hugehugefan said...

Charlotte:

I appreciate your thoughtful comments as always and don't disagree with anything you've said(gee, you knew there would be a but there somewhere, didn't you?). The biggest difference, and its something that you've of course noted, is that FAs aren't seen as being within the "normal range" of attractions. Deviance might not be too far off in a "normal" setting. So, if a guy happens to love blondes, big boobs, curvy hips, slender waists, or long tapered legs and narrow ankles they understand that they have a "preference", but it's within the range of general attraction. For FAs and presumably for those with other outre interests they need to come to terms with their interests and suppress the whistles and open staring and comments to friends that the other boys can get away with. Thus, we need to mature within ourselves as to what we find attractive and only then take it on the road(sharing it with the objects of our affection). And, like just about anything that's prepared without anyone editing or commenting on it, when it sees the light of day it's rough at best.

I suspect, that in some ways the inability to get our thoughts appropriately organized makes for the caveman social skills of a lot of FAs. In this way FAs are very different from those with more vanilla preferences.

You comment that skinny women also take umbrage with the objectification of their bodies, hair, looks, etc. But, there's always a but(or hopefully an extra large butt), these women know that the guys who are attracted to them and show no degree of veneer in their leering, knuckle-scraping responses really are attracted to them. The BBWs and SSBBWs are often pretty sure that they're being made fun of, a further obstacle that the FA faces.

Will the world catch up. I doubt it. Because the world keeps changing in many ways which continually change the rules of the ways the game is played and frankly we're as a group pretty slow to adapt.

6/7/07 8:10 AM  
Blogger Cat said...

I'm going to second some of what Charlotte said... men all have preferences in objectification.
I would think you, hugehugefan, could be in a group of guys describing a woman as "soooo hot" and they'd all get their own visions as to what you are really saying. Your vision would be, most likely, plumper than the average Joe.

I would think it would be super freeing to have an FA chum to be able to go into grand details of your object of desire/sighting. For that you are unable or unwilling to do with a group of "average-size" lovin' friends.

As for women objecting to objectification, I believe it stems from some sort of societally conjured and falsely held belief that we should only find men who are attracted to our spirits, brains or ~insert non-physical attribute here~.
In reality, the optimum mate would be one who finds you physically attractive *and* emotionally/mentally/spiritually attractive.

Far too often, I believe, women/men settle for one or the other as a basis for a relationship. From this unbalance, relationships falter. And from this faltering brings the belief that women should never be objectified for physical attributes alone. Or something like that. ;-)

8/7/07 3:57 PM  
Anonymous Substantia Jones said...

Thank you for the lyrical account of something which fascinates me. Very much enjoyed reading this entry. Very much.

18/7/07 6:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i read your piece and the comments (particularly from ladies)with great interest and cannot disagree with any of it.
As a maleFA I believe but have only little evidence that women discuss their preferencences much more openly. I have heard them compare and contrast their experiences much more openly than any guy.
In the office when one has been on a date, especially a first date, all the others demand and receive a full and detailed account of the event.
Guys just dont do that, go figure!

6/10/07 3:07 PM  
Blogger hugehugefan said...

Cat, I found your comment very well reasoned and dead on. The ideal is that the object of your affections is attractive both externally and internally. You are right that either without the other is not the full deal. Too many people settle either for the physical side or the mental/emotional/spiritual side.

But, even more than that among fat women I believe there is much more at work. Many of the fat women are unwilling or unable to accept that a man is sincere and honest about his adoration for her fat body. They have heard for so long from so many people whose opinions they value on other points that their fat and fat bodies are just not attractive that they are sure that on some level any guy who finds their fat bodies attractive is borderline psychotic or at least not to be trusted. Many of these women thus are only comfortable with a man who loves them "for themselves" and not for their body. And, if the man grows to tell the woman that he finds her physically attractive the relationship can falter. Too often this just means that the men love the fat woman for their amazing innards(mental, spiritual and emotional sides.. and no, didn't mean their deliciously shaped, sized or perfumed physical innards), and either tolerate or ignore their physical size and shape. While for those who are unable to accept compliments or excitement at their shape this is a good thing(or what passes for a good thing), in objective terms it is both a sad thing and a potentially terrible thing.

We guys are so often visual creatures and when we see a gal who's physical charms catch our attention, we tend to look(eye candy). For most of us.. the tendency to look is something that we can't ignore, and over time the woman who has a man who only finds the inside charms interesting and tolerates or doesn't care for the outer package, is likely to find that he will be eyeing women who's shape and size is more to his physical preferences. This can't be good for a woman who's self confidence about her body is so low that she can't accept positive comments about her physical beauty. This will just confirm for her that she's ugly, unattractive, too damn fat which is too sad to contemplate. That just can't be good for a relationship. Settling may be a good word in other contexts, but in these precincts it's a curse.

Most everyone would agree that having a relationship with a woman solely because of her physical charms(whether they're related to her weight, breast size, hair color, face, etc.) is not a good thing for anyone as a long term situation. This is the one legged relationship that pretty much everyone screams objectivation when they see.

But, in my view it's actually just as honest and just as flawed as the other one. Sometimes both men and women just love to be with those who find their physical sides to be beautiful. Many long term relationships start with the physical or chemical attraction and then build from there. The opposite is much less likely, in my view.

The short summary of what I've said is that I tend to agree with Cat's comment conclusion.. though of course I'm constitutionally incapable of just saying me too.

7/10/07 1:56 PM  
Anonymous Lorna said...

This blog entry delighted my husband and I, we laughed aloud as you described actions that he does too, this seemingly in built
fat-dar that alerts you to the presence of fat....
Having talked to a few of his FA friends I know what oyu say is true, when he gets online and starts talking about people he has seen on line or in person, the latest bbw group with pictures, they are like kids in a candie store!!
As a bbw, keep looking! keep smiling at us and next time you are having one of those fantastic NY sandwiches.... send me one!! lol
keep blogging!

Lorna

7/10/07 9:54 PM  
Blogger hugehugefan said...

Lorna:

So glad that both you and your hubby enjoyed the post. How lucky you both are that you can share his FA'dom and you can revel in his adoration of you and all the other sexy, beautiful and entrancing fat girls, understanding that your relationship is based on so much more than just his desire for your flabulously fat form, and that his awareness of other beautiful fat women is in no way a suggestion that you are not the one he wants and loves and finds attraction but merely the way he is. That you enjoy the fat-dar sightings and his reactions to them suggests the depth and breadth of your relationship which is so warmly wonderful.

Bravo, Brava, Big Bountifully Bodacious Beaucoups Belly Blossoming Behemothic Sandwiches on back to you. Come to NY and have one or more of them if you dare.

8/10/07 6:30 AM  
Anonymous lorna and tony said...

I just had an after thought. I for years never understood who I was as a male. I never experienced what the other males were talking about, only the occasional SSBBW sighting which touched me deeply. Before the days of the computer it was only what you saw and growing up in SO CAL it was not much in the weigh of fat. I was so desparate for a ft girl that I married a thin one hoping beyond hope that maybe I could grow my own, but of course it was to no avail.

Finally I saw a Buf magazine, learned of dimensions (before computers) and found I was not alone in my desires of SSBBW's and my gaining interests. From that point the light was well on and I was begining to accept myself and who I was.

I then went to my first BBW dance and experienced for the first time what other guys feel. As I looked around the room I saw what I truly love and was made for. Me heart and body was afire with what I saw and for the first time in my life I felt like a normal heterosexual male. I was stimulated by all the beauty I saw and all the gals who were so pretty.

Those turning points in my life have led me down a very interesting path, one wich has caused great pain, and finally with Lorna great fulfillment.

I realised as a fee der how important is is to be with a fee dee not just some one who is fat. Not that the gains are important, but the thoughts talks and fantasy about it is. The most important thing is to be in love with the person you are with and to share the same sexual desires and share the same sexual orientation.

I too have friends now that share my same feelings and we can chat freely about our love of the SSBBE in the wild, and those close to us.

Tony

16/12/07 9:25 AM  

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